Zero Punctuation

[DJisbored]

I've been going through the archives watching them. I think I'm on like page 6 or something now. I really enjoy this thanks for showing =D

btw a new one popped up a few minutes ago. I'm not sure if any of you already knew that or not, but it happened while I was watching another video so I took notice.

[Ragdollmaster]

EDIT: Error in line 6 fixed thanks to Zhukov.

THE UNABRIDGED WOLFENSTEIN LIMERICK
In the tumultuous time before D-Day,
There once was a man named BJ
With chocolate-box hair and a face like a bear
And a jacket he picked up on eBay

He was out one day murdering Germans
As they tried to enact London's Berlin
He beat up some dudes, and broke missile tubes
So their boat got blown up (that'll learn 'em!)

But while there he made the discovery
That the Nazis had powers like no other-y
He brought back a bangle with some mystical angle
To which the allies responded "OH BUGGERY"

At the secret service of Queen Lizzie
BJ's bosses find themselves in a tizzy
They stand up and shout, "BJ sort this all out,
we'd do it ourselves but we're busy."

So he's sent to a big German town
Where some serious shit's going down
And there's an active resistance in need of
assistance, and everything's gone grayish-brown

It soon becomes clear that the city's
Been invaded by Occult Committees
Mystical preachers and slavering creatures
And gymnasts with stonking great titties

You may wonder if this is a sequel
to some past Wolfenstein, or a prequel
Depicting our hero in a previous era
When he wasn't looked upon as an equal

It's actually meant to succeed "Return To Castle Wolfenstein's" lead
Which is pretty damn slow,
Since that was 8 years ago
and the memories have gone stale indeed!

The new Wolfenstein seeks to enthrall
With an on-going high-octane brawl
But it's a game about war that we've all seen before
And just like the title, adds fuck-all

Any pretense of freshness is gone
At the very outset of stage 1
You escape your pursuers by underground sewer
So we start as we mean to go on

Your gun is of course your best friend
On which you must always depend
When you get into fights, you can look down the sights
And bullets come out the end

Weapon choice doesn't start too exciting,
Two machine-guns and a rifle for sniping,
But later on BFGs coming with guarantees
To shoot various flavours of lightning

There are soldiers all over the place
Who can't take two shots to the face
But before you fore-scorn, they always respawn
At a pretty disquieting pace

You don't need to worry 'bout health
If you're retarded and lousy at stealth
Just get behind cover if you're in a bother
And it'll all come back by itself!

It won't help you avoid the bum-rape later on
When you get into scrapes with powerful blasters
And big armoured bastards
With weakpoints the size of a grape

To help out you have on your side
Magic spells that crystals provide
On the appropriate cue the world turns greenish-blue
So it looks like your monitor's died

You can take down the big lads in minutes,
Start a fight with ten men and still win it
Make your weapons divine or just use bullet-time
Which wasn't that great when Max Payne did it

But the powers are hard to sustain
You might think they're too swiftly drained
In the middle of a fight, you'll end up in the shite
And will suffer a whole world of pain

And in between all of the shooting,
You also must think about looting,
Because if you want to upgrade, someone must be payed
And the shopkeepers don't like freelooting

Why do all games need upgrading elements?
Even ones where it isn't quite relevant
It means that all your big hitters start off in the shitter
And your aim is unfirm and inelegant

So when you've extinguished the danger,
You backtrack through all of the chambers,
Searching every last nook for cash and checkbooks,
Which you won't find much fun I would wager

It transpires that the in-game reality
Has intentions to non-linearity
The game says "On your bike, go wherever you like
As long as it's a mis-principality!"

But the freedom's a mere gilded cage,
That adds nothing to inspire or engage,
It just means beating feet through the same boring streets
To get to the next fucking stage!

There's very little to do except hunt
For secrets and money up-front
But the reward's pretty lame, all the streets look the same
And the bads keep respawning, the cunts!

It's not totally asinine
Sure, there are optional missions to score
But I went out of my way and found to my dismay
That in total there's only like four

Guess the ultimate question is
"Why should I even bother to try?"
Every last NPC fills me with apathy,
Am I expected to care when they die?

I know what you're going to say,
"Yahtzee, you slick internet paparazzi!
Surely it's always fun to stick the butt of a gun
Up the arse of a Nazi!"

Well if you like starting punch-ups in bars
Or your head has been lodged up your arse
Wolfenstein may at least give some joy to view
But the wise don't bother, TWO STARS.




Sadly took me about fifteen minutes of playing and pausing the review video

[Zhukov]

(Note- I'm not entirely sure that the word he uses in line 6 is "Enlighten", but that's what it sounds like to me :S)

It's "enact".

[Ragdollmaster]

^Acknowledged.

[Zhukov]

Oh dear. My obsessive nature has been engaged.

Needlessly finicky corrections as follows.

Line 6: Replace "London's Berlin" with London's burnin'".
Line 39: Replace "by" with "via". Replace "sewer" with "sewers".
Line 70: Replace "you might think they're" with "your magic is".
Line 86: Replace "intentions" with "pretensions".
Line 88: Replace "a mis-principality" with "in this principality".
Line 108: Add "goose-stepping" between "of a" and "Nazi".
Line 111: I can't tell what he's saying either, but it's not "joy to view".
Line 112: replace "the wise" with "otherwise".

...

Sorry.

[Ragdollmaster]

Well, the goose-stepping thing was an obvious mistake, can't see how I left it out, but the others were all ones I wasn't sure of It's tough to understand him when he talks so fast (and the accent doesn't help)

I'll edit it soon enough.

[Freshbite]

Todays Episode: Red Dead Redemption

[Freshbite]

Todays Episode: Alpha Protocol

"... and I can't think of a joke for that sentence so here's a picture of a dog in a hat."