Flagpole

[FlagPole]

For those who remember me- Yes, I'm back.

For those who don't, I did a series of reviews, but I quickly got bored of them. Next, I started the topic "I suck at Pokemon" where I detailed my journey from pokemonless to pokemon master.

Except I never really made it there because my gameboy broke, and by the time I got a new one I had no idea what I was supposed to do and I'd forgotten a lot of stuff since the last update.

So, here is "I suck at Pokemon 2". Now we're heading off to Pokemon Ruby!


Which is odd because normally I completely reject the newer generations.

As I watched the intro, I realized just how stupid the male character looks.

...That, is the male character, right?

Ok, he rides away. Some other stuff happens.. Right. Start menu.

Ok. Birch. Birch can't tell my gender, but considering what the male looks like right now, the only real way to tell would be to pull down our trousers, and I can tell why he doesn't do that.

YES BIRCH I AM A GUY

My name is- Ok, who's idea was it to call someone "landon"? What kind of name is Landon?

Anyway, the last I suck at Pokemon I named myself pretzel because I couldn't be bothered to come up with a real name. So, pretzel it is again.

Yes. My name is pretzel. I already said that. Stupid scientist...

...Wait? I don't have a rival? What is Pokemon without a nameable rival!?

Damnit it's always been Pretzel V Onion!

No! Don't you shrink me! GET BACK HERE! GRAAAHH!

...Right. So now I'm a midget in a shaky room. I already know about this game, so I can only assume this is the moving van.

Wow. It looked alot bigger on the inside. Oh. Hi mom. Speaking of which, what kind of parent would name their kid Pretzel? Or Landon? I know you were considering it. The professor in my head told me so.

"Well, this is LITTLEROOT TOWN."

Littleroot? Was it named after a really small tree?

"And, you get your own room, Pretzel!
Let's go inside."

What? My own room? Have you kept me in the basement or something? Maybe I was actually raised in the back of that van. It would explain why I have white hair - I've gone albino from not getting any sun.

"See, Pretzel?
Isn't it nice in here too?"

OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING HOLDING MY TV!

Er. Our tv.

"The movers pokemon-"

I don't care anymore. Shut up. While the mover pokemon stand around and run around in circles, I have to go upstairs and do... Something. Maybe I should have listened to my mom.

Gamecube? Better have smash bros. Or Luigi's mansion. Oh wait, I have a computer! I could post this on wolfire!... WHAT THE HELL? WHO PUT THIS POTION IN MY COMPUTER!? HOW DID THEY PUT IT IN MY COMPUTER!? WHA-

Actually. Considering I'm a guy called pretzel who was raised in a van and there are two giant muscle men pokemon things downstairs running around in circles and holding boxes, this is fairly normal.

Broken clock? Um. Let's set it to...

Oh wait! I know! Instead of setting it to the real time...

Yeah. I spun it round with my eyes closed and said that'll do. Then I decided it wouldn't, so I set it to the real time.

Huh. Now the clocks are facing the complete wrong wa-

HOLY CRAP. DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT USELESS MOTHER.

They finished moving? But they didn't do anything!

Alright, so I have to check my desk. It's a book.

A book with 2 pages.

2 pages of stuff I already know.

I'll get to the actual pokemon soon, I swear.

Down the stairs.. And- OH GODAMNIT MOM JUST LET ME GO!

I DON'T CARE ABOUT PETALBURG! I WANT TORCHIC ALREADY! OH GOD SHE'S HOLDING ME STILL I CAN'T MOVE! ARGHH!

*struggle*

Oh thank god... Wait, Prof. Birch? You mean the scientist who talked to me in my head? He's real? What happened to Prof. Oak?

.. Hey. My costume looks significantly less stupid in midget form.

Anyway- We all know what happens next, the Prof isn't at his house, so he's in the tall grass.

...Or not, stupid midget kid won't let me through.

Uh... I'm lost. Already.

Let's check this house-
Paraphrasing- "Welcome to the town! My daughter was looking forward to making a friend, I think she's upstairs."

...Uh. Right. Bye lady.

I went back to the lab and talked to the scientist who told me a long and fancy way of saying "He's out." so I went "out" to get him..

FRICKEN MIDGET KID.

ALRIGHT! FINE! YOU WIN, GAME! I'LL BE WHAT'SERFACES FRIEND!

Oh. It's May. May V Pretzel? Nah. That doesn't work. It needs to be Onion V Pretzel.

Wait, Birch is your dead? Does sneaking into people's dreams and nightmares run in the family? Because you look familiar...

"I've just met you"?

I didn't ask for sex or anything. I'm pretty sure my character shouldn't even know about that, damnit. Now you've made me sound like a pedophile.

Help your dad catch pokemon? Good luck. Stupid Midget kid in the blue shirt...

..Wait? He just.. Let me through? WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME THROUGH EARLIER!?

Alright, starter pokemon...

Of all of the new pokemon, there are about 4 or 5 that don't make me roll my eyes at their design. One of them is Torchic. GO TORCHIC!

Huh. I don't get why he's so scared of the poochyena. It looks like it's asleep.

Anyway- FEAR MY SCRATCH!

...Scratch? Where's the firebreath and burningness? Oh well.

There we go. Now I can get to the bottom of this.

WHO ARE YOU?

WHY ARE YOU IN MY HEAD?

ARE YOU GMAN?

Meet you at the la- WHAT THE? TELEPORT? HE IS GMAN!

Ok. Gbirch gave me the Torchic from earlier.

Ow my ears.. Why does everyone shout these things? TORCHIC.. LITTLEROOT. Hell, the computer even screamed at me "POTION".

Nickname...

Nickname......
Niiiicknaaaaamme....

Polly? Nah. Need something FIREY.

...Blaze... Ezalb? EZALB! No.

Screw it. You are now called Pepper. FROM NOW ON, ALL POKEMON WILL BE NAMED AFTER VEGETABLES AND FRUIT AS A HOMAGE TO POOR OLD ONION.

Hopefully he won't scream PEPPER at me.

Hahaha-
"My kid, MAY, is out on ROUTE 103 studying POKEMON."

Gotta love the random shouting.

Uh. See May? Hm. Nah. I'll go do my own thing first.

What the- I said no.

No.

NO!

GODAMNIT FINE.

....

AHAHAHA.

FREEDOM!

ROUTE 101 HAS NEVER MADE ME SO HAPPY.

I'm going to capture some pokemanz and train for a bit, I'll update later.

[FlagPole]

Uh. Sorry for double post, but I just realized I can't train and catch pokemanz. I don't have any pokeballs. And the stupid mart won't sell me any. So, I'll just have to continue until I can find May.

Ugh.

Alright. Route... Whatever it was. Anyway I'm here. Where is May?

RANDOM ENCOUNTER!?

Wingull? Oh god the puns make me sick. Just... Die..

Ok May. Come back to LITTLEROOT with me and-

What? Battle? Now? Here? Why?

So.. May.. Uh.. I hate to say this, but... I herd u like mudkips.

Right Pepper. Oh crap. Oh CRAP. PEPPER IS A GUY? I CAN'T HAVE A GUY NAMED PEPPER? He's already got the self-esteem problems of being a chicken! Uh.. Uh...

I will name you.... FIRE.. THING.

Yeah. I decided the fruit and veg law to be silly. Who cares about Onion anyway?

Huh. Well that was boring.

"SCRATCH!"

"TACKLE!"

Repeat for a minute or so until I win.

Focus energy? No idea what it does. I'll look it up in a sec.

Right. Yes. Let's go home May.

Uh. Why are you here?

"LET'S GO HOME!"

I ALREADY AM GOING HOME!

Hi Gbirch. Do I get my Pokedex now? Oh wait. I do. Awesome. And a Pokeball? Hehe.. I wonder what things I will catch with this..


Alright. I'm going to stop here and come back when I'm done with training and catching and other stuff-

MOM. THE SAME MOTHER WHO CRIPPLED ME TO THE POINT THAT I CAN ONLY RUN WHILE WEARING SPECIFIC SHOES.

Oh wait. She just gave them to me. Awesome.

Bye mom. I hope I never have to see you again.

Anyway, like I was saying. That's it for now. Bye.

[Glabbit]

Lol. Hi.

Yes, I started hating pokemanz ever after Gold & Silver... after them they just went over the top, and I lost all interest and respect I had.

Your name rings a bell, yet I don't remember you or your threads. In any case, welcome back.

[Jendraz]

I was a big fan of 'I Suck at Pokemon'

[FlagPole]

INTERVENTION

INTERVENTION OVER

Alright. I decided some screenshots would be helpful for me describing stuff. I would have grabbed screenshots for I suck at pokemon 1, but unlike this time, I wasn't using an emulator.

(I own a copy of the game and a GBA, the emulator is just because it is so much easier for me this way.)

...But I did some stuff without screenshots and put it into a text file, so here's the text file.

START
I figured the other two updates were hard to read, so I'll be more informative.

The team has expanded. We now have-

Pepper- Lv9 Torchic (M)
Scratch
Growl
Focus Energy
Ember

Noocar- Lv4 Zigzagoon (F)
Tackle
Growl

Metty- Lv4 Seedot (M)
Bide
Harden

Wurmy- Lv3 Wurmple (M)
Tackle
String shot

I made it to the next town, where I healed up and- GYM!

LET'S GYM BAAAATTLEEEE.

First let's talk to this guy just inside the Gym.

Wait, this is my dad? He looks nothing like me! Hell, I look nothing like my mother! Am I adopted?

Ok. My dad told me he's proud of me. which is nice, but it doesn't get me a gym badge.

Speaking of not getting a gym badge, I now have to show "wally" how to capture a pokemon. No doubt this is the pokeball tutorial in disguise, despite the fact that I've already caught three.

So Wally found a pokemon and now we're in a pokebattle.

He found a Ralts? What!? Are they even supposed to be in this area?

Whatever.. What.. Whatever... Enjoy your victory.

Wally caught the Ralts, fair and square. Ok. Bye Wally. Go away. Now. Please.

Ok. My dad has informed me that I need to beat all of the other gym leaders before I can face him. Is he part of the elite 4(5)?

Maybe he has split personallities and is all 4 at once. Ok, now I'm just being crazy.

I feel that my pokemon (that aren't pepper) are underleveled. So I'll train them later. First-

"The sea, Huh?

I wonder what it's like at the bottom of the sea?"

Uh. Ok. I don't know how bad your life is, but suicide is bad...

Oh. A big patch of grass. Hello new training area.
END

After the patch of grass started being too weak, I moved on. Noocar was about.. Lv7 or 8 by now, so atleast the training was working. After a bit more training and catching (I'll screenshot my PC and party screens later) I found a guy who looked like a trainer.

Turned out to be a story event. Long story short, Team Magma are mean and this wimp is hiding behind me so I can hide behind my pokemon.



Noocar was faced with a Lv9 Poochyna. The good news is that the Magma Grunt was an idiot. He told his Pooch to growl twice then howl. Which was also enough time to kill it. Noocar leveled up again and learned Headbutt!



You've got some nerve wearing a get-up like that. Then again, I can't really say much.
(Screenshot was bigger because I resized the window and forgot to unsize it before I screenshotted.)

Anyway, he ran off. I victory danced. Then I trained some more. It may take forever, but I want a balanced team of pokemon rather than the one uber pokemon like in the original I suck at Pokemon.

I caught-

Lv5 CASCOON (named HARDEN)
Lv5 SHROOMISH (Peach)

And.. That's it really.

OH GOD! AHAHAHAHA!

You see that dead Magikarp?

Imagine if it had 2 brothers.

Owned by one trainer.

With only 3 pokemon.

FREE EXP!

Eh. This should do as an update, right?

[Renegade_Turner]

I'm a big fan of your series. Pretzel is my hero.

Pokemon Ruby kicked ass too. =P

The games I selected were: Blue, Gold and Ruby.

[Starrz]

Yes, I started hating pokemanz ever after Gold & Silver... after them they just went over the top, and I lost all interest and respect I had.

WTF???

Gold was the best pokemanz there was! :O

But seriously hi and welcome to Wolfire. Again. I guess.

[Glabbit]

Gold was the best pokemanz there was! :O

Correct. But after Gold they really started going downhill, in my opinion.

[Starrz]

Gold was the best pokemanz there was! :O

Correct. But after Gold they really started going downhill, in my opinion.

Yesh.

[FlagPole]

Argh. That was annoying, my save was corrupted for some reason, so I had to do all of the training again, and laziness meant I lost levels to my save problem. I'll use savestates from now on for that...

I've only got the stats at the end of the day, so I'll put those there.

Not much happened.

A bit of training here, a bit of trainer fights there, some healing in between.. Pretty much the norma-



OH YEAH

I fought through the other two guys, they only used Geodudes so it was pretty much a case of shooting them once with Birdette's water gun.

After that I got to Roxanne.


Okay. Sure.

TASTE MY WATER G-



What?

That one Geodude just wiped out my whole party. I got one good hit on him, but then he just killed poor Birdette and the rest of my party were hopeless.

Hm.. Oh right! I hadn't healed up from the training, I'll just go fight her again.









GODAMNIT!

[Renegade_Turner]

Ahh yes, the endless frustration of gym leaders that have one ridiculously overpowered pokemon.

[Glabbit]

*nod nod nod nod nod*
Ahh, memories...