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Kestril wrote:

As the entire city was set aflame, the archers rushed in behind the infantry to deliver deadly percision shots to the soldiers inside. "Spearsmen, Phalanx positions! Cover the main intersections while the civilians flee!" a commander shouted.

Again: Which side is the commander on? Clarafy.

I have to Disagree on this one Kestril, "While The Civilians Flee" doesn't seem like the attacking force would have Civilians.

Kestril: The this, that, then structure is something I tried to move away from, hopefully it didn't detract from the reading too much :O

The archer complaint; there are flamed arrows hitting the city from outside as an attack, so if archers moved INTO the city, they would obviously be on the lions' side, right? But true, I should clarify.

JJ covered the commander one O:

Hey, I'm not trying to tear you down here, just sayin'. What isn't there helps the reading as much as what is.

The archer complaint; there are flamed arrows hitting the city from outside as an attack, so if archers moved INTO the city, they would obviously be on the lions' side, right? But true, I should clarify.

Well, yeah, but I had to stop and make sense of it, which cramped the flow.

I have to Disagree on this one Kestril, "While The Civilians Flee" doesn't seem like the attacking force would have Civilians.

Oh yeah, huh. Whups. I was kinda tired and had limited time.

Remember: I'm nitpicking. You're not going to get better if someone (including you) Isn't looking for improvement. It's great.

Advice:
Vary the sentence structure up, dangit! A varied structure forms cadences, or rhythm, in writing, and helps the reader along. It seems that, if one could emulate your style, they'd put, as all writers are tempted by that button on the keyboard, lots of commas. You don't have to throw commas out with tomorrows garbage. Just mix it up a bit, yo.

I think that when the story allows more quotations/conversations the flow will be greatly improved. I mean, the first post was pretty bare as far as conversation goes, so I had to chuck in a lot of filler and padding to make it detailed and keep a fairly short length without it being so short the reader is like "Lolwut".


And I'm aware you're just providing constructive criticism

OI! I'll take the shotgun that's pointed at me and shoot you with it if you don't keep writing. That's right, welcome to the club. Get part 2 up.

I read the subtle knife, and It was good, but I just can't get though The Amber Spyglass. The plot is a little hard to swallow for a Roman Catholic. Anyway,this guy just doesn't seem to suck me into the plot like this guy, this guy, this guy or even (hate to type it ) this gal. But I can see why your writing has so many commas now.

Continue or I shall hold you at gunpoint.

Well the series was designed so that fairly young children would be able to read it, like from age 9 on up. The whole part about the church having nigh absolute control over anything kind of reflects life in medieval times, though it was a little awkward going over it.

And to be honest, I kind of forgot about this. There wasn't a huge amount of response to part one so I was like ":S M'kay. I'll get around to Part 2 later."

Procrastination. Don't do it, people. But I hope you've all noticed that I've reduced my use of commas O=< Hopefully the next part will be much more fluid for that.

hoorah I was kind of waiting for this.

Hmm. Currently, I debate between extending the story of the escape and jumping ahead to where Etrius is a bit grown up.But either way, there will be an update by Friday night.

sweet.

Yeah. I actually lied about the update by Friday. There's not a lot of things more demotivating and discouraging than barely anyone caring about something you've spent a decent amount of time thinking about and planning out. Tad frustrating/annoying at the same time =/ Fan fic probably won't be continued. I'll be saving up the idea, maybe for another forum or another time. I mean, I've got like 2, 3 readers in total? I don't want to seem like a drama queer, but not I don't see much point in continuing this.



If any of the mods or admins could be bothered, I wouldn't mind this getting locked. Or it could just sink down to the bottom of Randomness.

Hey, wth?

I still want to know what happens next!! Seriously.

Your opening scene might need a tweak or two editing-wise, but it's really descriptive and the action is compelling-- if you re-read it as a pitch for the opening scenes of a movie, it works great!

Sorry to hear you got discouraged, and I know exactly what time-vacuums these projects are. I just wanted to put in a word for keeping at your story, even if you just use your plot outline for an OG campaign.

+ you did get 146 looks @ this thread, if that helps at all...

Man, i've been waiting for you too make some thing like this for a while. but i don't want to make you feel bad about this... so... its you're choice.

I'll probably be continuing this later. Maybe late in the summer or something. Don't expect an update within the next week or two, though :< Sorry to hear some people are disappointed by that.

People read it without posting, duh. I know what you mean though, at first I felt like: What the heck. No one likes this,but then I just kept writing and pushing on with it, eventually, people start posting appreciation for it, and after that, it feels like you have to write, or your characters will come alive and KILL YOU. Don't worry about the lack of posts, people figure -I figure- you've got a life of your own and will update it when you have time, so they don't bug to post much.

Look: 146 views= 146 people have read it.
146/2= 73 people that read it TWICE because they thought it was so good.
or
49 people that read it THREE times because they thought it was so good.
ect. . . on down the line.
Even if only ONE person read it, they read it over 100 times. You know you have SOMEONE hooked, and I know I read it twice.

There's not a lot of things more demotivating and discouraging than barely anyone caring about something you've spent a decent amount of time thinking about and planning out.

Well, have THEY written anything? hmm? They don't fully understand the task of writing a passage, a chapter, or even a book. Let 'em not care at first, then MAKE 'EM CARE! Make your plot involving. Craft your characters vividly. Barge your way in into the readers head and leash them to your story. Soon the internet will be at your feet!
*Crackles into insane laughter*
Besides you can't quit* now: I made you a cool titlebar.




*If you keep with it, and develop your characters a bit, I'll be glad to do a joint thingummy with you, maybe like an RP, or something, but with just us.

Oh yeah, I want to see how bad-ass Enzo is.

Look, i know how f**king hard it can to write a long story, even a short one.
i have tried about three times to write a book, all three times i've given up.
so, if you do give up, i understand, if you keep on going, that's freaking awesome.