Wolfire Games Forums

http://www.deadjournal.com/users/andytheirishman/

Can anyone tell me what they think of my poetry? Harsh criticism is openly accepted, as I like to know what people think I'm doing wrong so I can see it from a different perspective.

WARNING : If you are offended by foul language, disregard anything other than the poems, which are clearly labelled "Poem" at the top of each particular entry.

Although the rants which I have posted there may seem very extreme, however, it is only a joke for a bit of fun. I don't mean anything I say in the rants. Feel free to read them too if you wish.

Renegade_Turner wrote: Can anyone tell me what they think of my poetry?

Oh man, you asked for it

Actually, I think it's pretty average. I've got a problem with your metrum and the fact that it's always rhyming in the same pattern. I think the technical level of your poetry would be way higher if you wouldn't stick to such a conservative style.
Without rhymes all the time and with a polyrhythmic metrum, I'd give you a higher scoring.
Sorry, but because of that, I didn't even try to read more than a few rhymes. I know that pisses you off, I'll read now and edit this later.

Don't take it personal, I like poetry and I'm very harsh when it comes to that.

Edit: That what you want to say is always straight forward, like you were telling a story. Nothing in your poems is deeper than maybe two thoughts. If you'd think more about the things you want to say, you could say them more artistically.

Let's take a part of your first poem as an example:

She stares at the empty seat where he used to lay,
Her mind fixed on all the things she could never say,
Can't continue a minute without the image of his face,
Restless and listless, she sees nothing left to waste.

That's like a song-text.

Why not give it more dimensions? Something like

Her, the seat, not him. Her tongue is flickering.
Slowly, the past becomes hungry.
It eats itself, and his face;
She falls into a daydream of words
whispered
but the wind blows them away
the wind of sitting there
and not
saying a word
and not
living a dream
and it hurts.

But that's just me. Even such poetry is 'oldschool', by the way.

That doesn't piss me off. I asked for opinions and I got one. Thank you for being honest with me.

Truth is, I have been told before about the rhyming, but I like rhyme. Some great poets have used rhyme in the majority of their poems, such as W.B. Yeats, a poet who particularly inspired me.

I hope my words won't severely impress you anyway because your style is unique. That's worth a lot, maybe even more than technical aspects. Besides, in poetry, noone is right.

Thanks a lot. Your opinions have given me great perspective on my poetry. Hopefully, this can help me improve as a poet and expand my range of style. After all, the people who learn the quickest are those who are willing to listen to advice.

Also note, I am fifteen and I am unexperienced yet in writing poetry. I have been writing poetry seriously for about three years.

I read your poetry, interesting, much better than I could do, but I advise to keep away from swearing in your poetry, it takes a lot of the effect out of it.

EDIT BY FOURNINE: DOUBLE POST, DELETED DOPPLEGANGER.

Ah thanks Fournine, my internet was acting up, so I posted again because I did not think it got sent.

OT: I saw your warning on your post now, I could not tell the difference between your rants and the poetry a good deal of the time, I was thinking, "WTF? This is poetry?"

LOL. You thought my rants were poetry?

Ah. Three people thought the poetry was "Average" and three people thought it was "Terrible". Well, at least they voted something.

I only realized it was not twisted weird poetry until I got to the idiotic rant about Christianity.

Evil Penguin wrote:I only realized it was not twisted weird poetry until I got to the idiotic rant about Christianity.

Are you insinuating that I am an idiot, or just that the rant was particularly stupid-sounding. It was just a joke, if you think I'm an idiot.

Both maybe, no really, the rant just sounded idiotic, I am a Christian myself, and to me it sounded like a little kid who was angry that his parents made him go to church, I know it was just a rant, but if that is what you think, you know nothing about it.

I don't judge anyone based on their religious beliefs. I myself do not buy into any particular faith, but I understand why others do. If you are offended by something I have said, I apologize. I didn't intend for it to hurt someone's feeling.

I don't even remember what I said, but I'll go check anyway.

I am not really offended, I would have been if I didn't read the warning first, but I am used to most people online generalizing Christians into a "anti-everything" group, most of them are not like that, it is just a few who do that, and the entire religion gets generalized, I have a friend who is a deacon, and plays Shadow Rome.

rudel_ic wrote: the wind of sitting there
and not
saying a word
and not
living a dream
and it hurts.

I wouldn't call that much of an improvement. Metaphor and enjambment are not sufficient for beautiful poetry.

As for Andy, poets avoid common word combinations like "bad dream" or "lessons learned" and don't throw around loaded metaphors like souls and death and sex without a really good reason. Also, your rhyme scheme is forced; if you rhyme, it shouldn't be at the cost of choosing words well.

But most importantly, I think, your thema are not interesting. You're writing...
1) About a girl whose boyfriend died: that she is sad
2) About a persona who got some bad news: that he is distracted and stressed out
3) Some bizzare political statement about black people not having learned their lesson, which I can't quite work out
4) About a broken-hearted guy: that he wants to be far away...
My point is, you don't seem to have much to say about your subjects that is interesting at all, and so your poems end up sounding like pointless rhyming exercises.

Lycanthrope wrote: Metaphor and enjambment are not sufficient for beautiful poetry.

Noone made such a statement.