The Danger of Bread

[Dudeman]

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below
average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life
expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high;
many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating
bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as
one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats
more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer,
Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only
water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as
butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90
percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken
over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
bread pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity
TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might
associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children)
may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

[SamW]

yeah yeah http://www.dhmo.org/

[Aleol]

It's funny, I was eating my toast the entire time I was reading this.

Mmmm, toast. I like toast.

[Renegade_Turner]

I ate eight slices of toast in the last six hours.

[zoidberg rules]

With the sandwhiches I eat on week days, coupled with the sandwhiches my step dad eats every day, and he fact that my sister is actually addicted to toast, we get through a loaf a day at times.

[kehaar]

Guys, the first step toward freedom from addiction is to admit you have a problem...

I take solace every day by praying the Serenity Prayer at breakfast time, and then muttering it all day long with my teeth clenched tightly closed.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference;
and a big bag of money.

[Renegade_Turner]

With the sandwhiches I eat on week days, coupled with the sandwhiches my step dad eats every day, and he fact that my sister is actually addicted to toast, we get through a loaf a day at times.

I can easily go through a sliced pan by myself in a day, depending on how partial to tea and toast I am. Five different snack times from me in a day and that bad boy is toast. I enjoyed that pun.