My lugaru fanfic - Lone wolf

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Nuky
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Post by Nuky » Thu Dec 07, 2006 1:40 pm

I'm too tired and busy to read that, but from a few glimpses......... There's too much dialogue, too straight on (of the five sentences I did catch it was all "BAM!") and not enough *story*! :O

Miiiight find time to read it later, though. If you're lucky. Cause I'm not kidding when I say I got about 22 centimetres of old mags and books to catch up with :\ a couple thousand pages. And those either got pictures in them or descriptions ;)

Don't let this discourage you though! :D
It's cool to see people being creative around here 8)
Makes me wanna make my own fanfic :S

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invertin
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Post by invertin » Thu Dec 07, 2006 1:44 pm

I think it has good story, although I am improvising. Also... W00t!1! 3rd page!

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Post by Nuky » Thu Dec 07, 2006 1:49 pm

Hehe, yeah, it probably is... 8)
Was just a little hin, seeing as too much dialogue can confuse your readers :P
You want them to just drift away into your story and not sit there with big floating questionmarks over their heads, I'm sure ;P
Everyone for each their style :)

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invertin
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Post by invertin » Thu Dec 07, 2006 1:56 pm

Floating question marks? like this?
:?:
:(
Yeah I do do alot of dialog, but action is in there more than it looks, but when it does happen, prepare to.... Um... Like it. Or something...

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Colicedus
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Post by Colicedus » Thu Dec 07, 2006 2:20 pm

I think what he is saying is Its layout is like a Script or a Comic book with the Dialog. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but Advantage with Plays and Comics is there is Pictures or actions to help you get a little understanding of what is Going on.

Be a little more Descriptive and little less strait to the point I think He is trying to say. The Story is Good, I like it!

Just Consider this...

(passage form the Old D&D Basic First Edition set is used in an Example here.)

1): The Dragon Roared and flew at the Warrior.

2): The Brave Man Eyed up the Dragon before him, It Roared! The Man Staggered back. He Could Taste the countless souls that were consumed by this Mythical Beast! The Dragon picked his moment to attack, It opened its Wide jaws and exposed its Jagged teeth...

Ok, Which one captured the Imagination. what One would you rather read, or hear if some one was Explaining a story to you? :)

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Post by invertin » Thu Dec 07, 2006 2:21 pm

I know I should be more descriptive but I just can't... And screenshots to go with each thing would be hard. I'll just go the way I am now and leave it to he imagination. I am slowley getting more descriptive with this though.

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Post by invertin » Fri Dec 08, 2006 2:09 pm

(Horray for things!http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/scampi/... Yes I have just had some coke!)

Part- 16 The Challanges

"You want me.. To join a small group of rabbits... That use explosives!?"
"Yes."
"Aslong as I get the weapons I'm okay with it!"
Varex sighed.
"It's more than just the explosions. We fight wolves, rabbits, foxes and just about anyone who try to do evil. We are trying to do this stealthily."
"Why? you have powdered fire!?"
"Thats why, if anyone else found out then they would use it. And probably not in the way we want to. Everyone does bad deeds, you killed vanilla, wolves kill rabbits, rabbits try to kill wolves. If anyone got their hands on this then they would end society as we know it."
Invertin thought about this. Not everyone was evil! Tiergan did nothing wrong!... Of course, killing is evil, he did that. Invertin did that.. Vixen did that...
"I accept."
"Good, first there is some training though."
"Training!?"
Later...
They are at the council It is a large circular room carved into the side of a mountain, a stone table and stone chairs are in the centre with doors around the outside, curtains coming down from the ceiling were decorated with each of the different colours except for black and pink. Invertin looked up at the curtains, each one had a symbol, the red had a fire symbol, the orange had a lightning symbol, the green had an earth symbol, the blue had a water symbol and in the middle was the white, which had a sun symbol. A rabbit in white robes walked out of one of the doors. (Hiriad)
"Welcome Varex, and Invertin. Are you ready to join us?"
Invertin nodded.
"Good, you must master the trials of all the elements. The element of earth, of Lightning, of fire, of water, of though, of darkness, and light. Are you ready for the challange of earth?"
Invertin nodded again.
"Good, go through that door."
Hiriad pointed at a door to the far left. When he went in, he was in a room made of hard rock, with a green curtain on the far wall. In the middle was a large stalacmite with a rock balancing on the top. Next to it was a rabbit in green robes.
"Welcome, in this challange, the rock will roll down and.. Well you'll know what to do from there."
The rabbit kicked the stalacmite and it cracked, the rock fell off and rolled towards Invertin, he ran out of the way, but noticed, it was heading to the main room! It would kill Hiriad! Invertin kicked the stalacmite, and the crack grew, the top of the stalacmite fell off and slid down, Invertin jumped on it on it's way down and rode it, he caught up with the rock and kicked the stalacmite tip in the side and jumped off, the stalacmite tip rolled sideways and slammed into the rock and pushed it away.
"Very good, you have completed the earth challange.."
Invertin swept his fore head and headed for the next room..
The next room was made of metal, a large lump of metal was in the middle, an orange curtain was hanging from the ceiling and a rabbit in orange robes was standing on the piece of metal with something in his hand.
"Here is the challange of Lightning, since Lightning is an uncontrolled element, we are using it's brother element, metal. All you have to do is beat me."
Invertin got into a combat stance, this would be easy! Unfortuanatly the thing in the rabbits hand was a very strong magnet, strong enough to control the piece of metal with. The piece of metal flew at Invertin, who jumped out of the way, he tried to jump on top but he just got pushed off, Invertin looked around for something to stop him, he saw a knife on the floor, he threw it at the rabbit, the magnet attracted it so only the handle hit the rabbit
"Congratulations, you've beaten me with my own weapon!"
Invertin went to the next room, this one was made of wood, and the only light source was 2 lit torches on the wall. A red curtain was on the ceiling and a rabbit in red robes was in the middle.
"This challange is a deadly one, stop the fire, or perish."
He walked out the door, and slammed it behind him, the torches fell and set the floor on fire. Invertin tried stamping out the fire, that just burned his paw, he tried blowing out the fire, that just got him out of breath, wait.. What was the next challange?
"The element of earth, of Lightning, of fire, of water, of though, of darkness, and light."
The challange of water! Thats it! He opened the door to the next room and water poured out and flooded the room, it put out the fire too. Invertin swam to the next room, which was also flooded, it was made of rock and had a tunnel on the floor, the blue curtain was there of course. A blue rabbit was swimming above the tunnel, he pointed down the tunnel and did a swimming action. Invertin swam down the tunnel, it was long, it had forks, and Invertin couldn't hold his breath for much longer, he saw something pink on the top of the tunnel, he swam up to it, and ended up in a room with pink smoke swirling around. He heard a voice.
"Here you must find out what your purpose is, why is it that you continue to struggle for life?"
"Because if I don't then the wolves will keep on being ruled by that pig."
"No, there are alot of reasons, why do you hate your brother?"
"How do you know about-"
"Tiergan tells us everything."
"I hate my brother because he killed my father.. And even before I knew that he ruined my life."
"How?"
"..That is personal."
"This is the challange of the mind. You must open up your mind."
"....He.. He was the reason I studied Tiergan, he was the reason I got kicked out of my own pack. He was the one who decided it was a bad thing to study rabbits."
"He was your downfall."
"Yes."
"And what about Vixen?"
"What about her?"
"What are your feelings for her?"
"We're just friends."
"No, you want to be more than that."
Invertin just looked at his feet. He didn't want to be anything more than friends. Did he?
"You have finished this challange, here is the next."
Black smoke entered the room, Invertin couldn't breath, he was suffocating.
"Find the exit"
"How?"
Invertin was choking.
"Forget your sight, darkness is an illusion to those who use the're other sences, follow your ears and your nose.
Invertin smelled for anything but smoke, he got a rabbit trail, he closed his eyes and followed it. He followed it until it stopped and opened his eyes. He was in a completely white room, Hiriad was standing in the middle.
"Here is the challange of light."
Suddenly Wisdom and lies appeared in front of him
"What the?"
Here is where you learn about us
We are illusions of the mind, if you havent worked out, but we are acutally one and the same
"Then who are you really!?"
Everything apart from them became misty and faded out of focus. Lies and wisdom walked together and created one grey wolf
"We are Invertin."
He ran into Invertin and there was a bright light, when it faded, Invertin was in the white room again, and Hiriad had a box in his hands
"Well done, you have completed all the challanges. You are now a prophet of the Order"
"But, for the light challange I didn't do anything!"
"You learned that good and evil are illusions, and are actually one and the same."
"How?"
"Giving someone money will lead to them getting robbed, taking money will lead to you having too much and giving it away."
"...I guess."
"You will understand it more later."
Hiriad opened the box and handed Invertin some grey robes.
"What element are these?"
"Those have no element, we need to find what element fits you before we can give you one. Just wearing these robes does not prove your loyalty, you must do somthing for us"
Invertin put on the robes.
"What did you have in mind?"

(To be continued)

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Post by invertin » Sun Dec 10, 2006 12:56 pm

(Whoops, forgot to put part 17, here we go.)
Part- 17 Silent assasin

"So what do I have to do again?"
it is nightime outside and Hiriad and Invertin are in the main room, knifes and the magic powders are on the table for choosing.
"You need to sneak into the town, then kill this rabbit"
Hiriad handed Invertin a peice of paper, on it wa a painting of a jet black rabbit, with a bandage on one ear and an eypatch.
"Right, so I got to kill the black pirate... Why?"
"Because he is with a group of enemies called the swarm."
"What are the swarm?"
"Not enough time, tomorrow he will leave town and it's midnight!"
Invertin grabbed a knife, 2 orbs, and put some powder in them, then ran outside. He noticed a trader driving a cart towards the gate.
Later..
The cart is has arrived the guards are searching it. A guard goes in the back to check for stowaways, he comes out and signals for the gate to open. After the gate closes Invertin crawls out from underneath and runs into a nearby alley.
"So far so good."
He looks up, he sees an opent window, he grabs the windowsill and looks inside, empty, that'll mean the doors locked. He pulled out antoher piece of paper and read the map of the town.
"He's.. In this building... Top floor, far right."
He looks out the window and sees a small piece of string dangling from the building next door. He jumps and grabs it and uses it to scale the building. He looks over at the window of his targets room, it's empty and the window is shut. He jumps at the window and grabs the top, then he uses his claw to pick the lock on the window. He goes inside, shuts the window behind him (Which then locks) and hides under the bed. The rabbit walks in with a mug of water in his hands. He left for a drink? He lay on the bed, Invertin waited for a bit to make sure he was sleeping, then he crawled out from under the bed, got up, then stabbed the rabbit as he lay there. Then Invertin put a knife in the rabbits hand and put it on his chest, to look like a suicide, then He picked the lock to the window and escaped, now he just had to get out of town without being seen. He climbed the building again and stood on the roof, he jumped across to the wall, the fall was to big to jump of, he needed another way. He jumped back and cut the rope off the building then tied it to a turret on the wall and abseiled down. Then he ran back to the Order.
Later...
When he got there the room was empty, he found a note on the table

Come to the room of Light when you return

Hiriad


Invertin opened a door to the far right and inside was Hiriad.
"Well done, have you killed him?"
"Yes, then staged it as a suicide, no-one will be any the wiser."
Hiriad looked at Invertin and sighed
"... We were trying to scare the swarm, mabye they would stop if the were getting killed! But it doesn't matter, he was important to them anyway."
He picked up another box
"Take off your robes, and put these on instead"
"You mean?"
"Yes, you are now Invertin, warlock of the moon"
Hiriad opened the box and inside were some whitish-blue robes with a hood
"The moon? Wouldn't that just be darkness?"
"No, darkness is made by night, the sun makes too much light and ends up with some drifting away. The moon takes that and makes it into new light"
Invertin changed into the new robes and looked in the mirror that he was sure wasn't there before
"Invertin, warlock of the moon. I like it."

(To be continued)
(Looks shorter than normal but it has more action than normal too.)
Last edited by invertin on Sun Dec 10, 2006 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Colicedus
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Post by Colicedus » Sun Dec 10, 2006 2:46 pm

I thought ash was the only wolf who wore clothing... :?

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Post by invertin » Sun Dec 10, 2006 3:28 pm

I don't know who ash is.. Meh, I'll edit it now.
Edit: Oh right, alpha-wolf ash.

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Post by invertin » Thu Dec 14, 2006 11:37 am

(Sorry for getting this one in a bit late, a while ago it was my birthday and my presents were VERY distracting, and I mean that in the good way :wink: )
Part- 18 Brotherly love

Tiergan and the others, except Hiriad are in the main room, talking over some lettuce (they had no meat for Invertin but he was considering becoming a vegitarian anyway). Hiriad walks in from the entrance.
"Everyone, I have some good news, I have found someone who is perfect for the warlock of darkness!"
Hiriad steps to the side and looks out the entrance, a black wolf walks in.. One eye is red and the other is grey... And he smells like burning ashes...
"Ackrilox!?"
Indeed, Ackrilox stood just outside the entrance
"You picked Ackrilox for darkness?"
Hiriad looked at them, Invertin had his ears back and was showing his knife-sharp teeth (Yup, the teeth are sharp as knives too) Ackrlox just looked at them all calmly
"I see you two know eachother.. Good, I'll just leave you alone now."
Hiriad signals for the others that it is time to leave, they all go into the doors to their respective rooms.
"Hello Invertin, good to see you"
"Don't give me that ****. You are not welcome here, aslong as I am."
(Invertin needs to mind his language.. Oh wait, I'm Invertin.)
"Why so?"
"Why!? Because you ruined my life, you hate me, I hate you!"
"Actually, I don't hate you, I used to, but I don't anymore."
Ackrilox was very calm, but Invertin was getting madder by the second, he thought Ackrilox was lieing. Ackrilox noticed the robes Invertin was wearing
"Nice robes, Ice? Light?"
"Mo- Don't change the subject! Why aren't you with the alpha wolf?"
"After our little fight I started to study rabbit martial arts, that kick was a strong one. I was banished for that."
"You were... Banished.. For the same.... Reason as me?"
"yes"
Invertin couldn't say anything, ever since Ackrilox betrayed him they were almost complete opposites. Now, they seemed alike.
"You?..."
"I see you need some time to take this in, I think it must be a great shock to find something we both agree on."
Invertin remembered, Lobo's grave
"Why did you kill dad?"
Ackrilox was silent, he looked at his feet
"I.. Am sorry for that."
Invertin, once again was shocked, Ackrilox? Sorry? Has the apocolipse come already?
"Invertin, I have made mistakes in the past, but I've changed I swear."
"....For once, I believe you."
"Thank you, you don't know how much it means to me."
Invertin opened the door to the room of light, Hiriad fell over, he was listening on the door
"Right, we've sorted out our differences, he can join."
"Are you sure? You were shouting."
"Yes, I forgive him."
"Ok, Ackrilox, go into that room."
Ackrilox nodded and went into the room of earth, Invertin looked round the room of light.
"Do I have to do a challange?"
"No, unless he wants to become a celestrial mage he will have to train with the earthly elements."
"Right, what do I do?"
"Whatever you like."
Invertin thought, what did he want to do? He wanted to save Vixen.
"I'm going to fight the drillers"

(To be continued)
(Also, about the birthday thing, I got:
Battlefield 2142 [Online I'll be Invertin too]
Robotech
Freedom force VS the third reich [Doesn't work]
Maltisers [Eating them in 5 :D ]
I didn't get much but thats because I should be getting a Xbox 360 for christmas! HOORAY!)

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BunnyWithStick
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Post by BunnyWithStick » Thu Dec 14, 2006 5:42 pm

Hey, that means our birthdays are both close to christmas! :wink:

Ok, ok. Mine isn't in the same month, but it's good enough. :P

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Post by invertin » Sun Dec 17, 2006 11:22 am

(Sorry, had a birthday party a while ago, and I'm still trying to work out what day it is)

Part- 19 Spelunking

Invertin is just outside the mine, he found it by following the scent of rabbit and metal. He has a knife in one hand and a light pellet in the other, he jumps out... To find the mine is empty.
"Hello?"
No answer, they've left. Invertin looked through every door, still no-one was there. Invertin sniffed, he smelled wood. And rabbit... He followed the trail to a beach, they were building a boat! He could see Vixen in a cage, which was being guarded, there were too many to take on by himself.
"Hey!"
He turned round and was whacked in the face.
He woke up, his view was blurred so he didn't know where he was right now, there was brown, blue, and grey, the floor was metal and everything was moving, it made him feel sick, infact it made him throw up. Everything wen't bac into focus, he seemed to be on a boat in a metal cage! a rabbit was in front of the cage laughing and talking to someone Invertin couldn't see from the cage, the rabbit noticed him.
"Oh, hey he's awake!"
Invertin growled at the rabbit, he must be one of the drillers! He heard footsteps, and a wolf walked into view and took a good look at him.
"Wolves? Since when did the drillers help us?"
"They don't, we are our own cult, we are the swarm"
Invertin remembered about his assasination, "The swarm"....
"What is the swarm?"
"We are wolves and rabbits working together, we have found foriegn creatures, that has never set foot in these lands, we keep them and eat them when we need food, we may never harm another rabbit again."
Invertin thought for a second, why would the council wan't to stop that?
"What sort of creatures are these?"
"I'll show you."
The wolf opened the cage and led invertin into a dark room where alot of strange things were eating and talking and looking very happy.
"What are they called?"
He noticed they were all coloured brown or black, there was no cream, or white. They were very large, and had sharp claws and teeth.
"That doesn't matter right now. We are trying to help wolves and rabbits work together to live, so, are you with us?"
Invertin looked at the happy looking things, a rabbit walked in to take one of them away.
"They deserve freedom, but rabbits and wolves together?-"
*Think of them, not just us.*
"...I.. do not accept."
"Really? Ok then, I'm afraid you are no longer permitted on my ship."
The wolf grabbed Invertin by the neck, and before he could do anything, it threw Invertin off.
"You could have made a great member of the swarm! Such a shame good talent has to go to waste.."
So Invertin was left there, in the middle of the ocean with nothing but some exploding powder
".....Bum"

(To be continued)

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Post by BunnyWithStick » Sun Dec 17, 2006 6:40 pm

Bum? :shock:

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Colicedus
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Post by Colicedus » Sun Dec 17, 2006 8:36 pm

What animal were they?
Hopefully not one of these http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sumatran_Rat-Monkey

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