Wolfire Games Forums

There's some stuff I'd like if people would check out and give me a bit of feedback on what they think of them, if it's not too much trouble. No one else seems too interested.

The first is a mini-story I've started working on just yesterday. I finished the first part, named "Run-Down Town". It's obviously not fully thought-out, but I have a general plot outline. The first part can be found here : shorter link to not break tables

Secondly, I made a video of me performing football tricks in my front room. It's two-minute long, and I got some pretty cool stuff. It's hard to pull off skills inside, because you can't exactly put full power into it or you're likely to break something, as has happened before when I got clumsy. The video can be found here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IG3lXXShOE

Some of you may have already watched the video. I posted it somewhere else.

Any comments anyone would like to make on either would be greatly appreciated.

Interesting...
I kind of liked the Story, its a lot better than some of the Stuff i have tried to wright. (Add no Comment about my Grandma here) it gets you Asking, whose Tom and lark. I gather its set in a ruined world, maybe a Si-fi?

How ever i think the (I'm not saying Swearing is Bad; Guilty of it all the time) although some of the language in it dose Ruin it a little, even though its in Speech/Thought of the main Character, the word Fuck dose make it a little Foul. words like the Bloody hell, Flaming hell, or dam-namit could be used in place. but Then again it is up to you. just a Suggestion.

the Soccer I would not know how to comment, my Pal Dylan will have to comment as I know Bugger all about the game. how ever it looks pretty cool.

Note that this is constructive criticism. I'm not knocking your work at all, I want to help you make it better.

(Footsteps behind him, to the right.)

This is passive voice, which all writers want to avoid. Instead of telling the reader that something happened... make it happen! Something like "Suddenly, the sound of quiet foosteps near him filled his ears" would do better, as the reader gets more of a picture.

Apart from that and a couple of things that should be re-worded, like "It had been like the old guy had no emotions" and "as he forced himself to stop beating himself up over it", the only problem is the beginning is a tiny bit weak. Things like "as he felt something in the atmosphere change" could be less wordy. "He felt something around him shift" or something to that extent would do.

I like everything else, it's very well written and now I want to know the whole story.

Your soccer tricks are sweet too. I know I couldn't do them, cause I'm more of a keeper myself.

Hey, thanks, that was actually cool. Some people would probably just go "It was good" or some shit.

But yeah, I know some of my phrases were worded awkwardly. I'm pretty sure that's what editors are for, but I don't have an editor. Blah, whatever, I didn't want to take too long on it because I was in a hurry to do homework and stuff.

Also, the part where it bracketed off and went to the next line ("Footsteps behind him, to the right") was what he was sensing, not necessarily what was actually happening. In the story, Cray has a talent for sensing things changing around him, but this ability is heavily plagued when we first see him because he isn't mentally fit. It didn't actually happen, you know, because there weren't any footsteps. It was actually only his mind playing with him. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough.

I took that little thing from Stephen King. He does the same thing in the Dark Tower books, just uses it in different ways.

And Colicedus, I wouldn't understand why I'd have to censor swears. I swear myself, and a load of other people do too, so why would I depict it like it's not?

Anyway, I should probably be making a Part 2 today or tomorrow, whenever I feel right.

I dunno, I just think it would be better if you told them through description that he can sense things rather than just saying it.

I chose a different technique.

I finished Part 2 already. It involves the relationship of Cray and his sister. It's about twice as long as the first.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea ... 327597eb8a

leDoOd wrote:Note that this is constructive criticism. I'm not knocking your work at all, I want to help you make it better.

(Footsteps behind him, to the right.)

This is passive voice, which all writers want to avoid. Instead of telling the reader that something happened... make it happen! Something like "Suddenly, the sound of quiet foosteps near him filled his ears" would do better, as the reader gets more of a picture.

uhh, "Suddenly, the sound of quiet foosteps near him filled his ears" is passive. The first one was perfectly fine; plus it gives the story more character, instead of sounding like every old story out there.

[Edit] I love the second one, keep it up!

Hey, thanks!