Persuasive Essay

NickD · Post by **NickD** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 11:27 pm

Hey everybody

! I'm back for good. The past semester I've been loaded with work and all that bull shit

. Anyways, I have a paper that's due friday and I need some feedback for grammar and... stuff. Or just tell me what you think

.

Minors:

Minors are doing crimes every day and so are adults. Does this mean we can punish minors like adults? If we were to treat minors’ crimes like adults, then there is no point of separating laws for minors and adults. If the law were to state that anyone who commits an adult crime would be punished like adults, then minors should be able to vote and see R rated movies. Instead of punishing us with 10 years of prison, minors should be sent to rehabilitation. On top of the time done, the prisoner is no where near as valuable to society as much as he was before he was sent to prison. This is because in prison, minors do not get the education they deserve. Minors should never be tried as adults, because they’re our next generation, and that minor could be the one to cure cancer with the right education.

People supportive of trying minors as adults say that minors are just as aware of what their crime is as adults are. This is utterly not true. Minors aren’t as developed as adults, and minors do not have as much knowledge of the justice system as most adults do. This means that if a minor murders one of his classmates, he obviously is not aware of the consequences, and he doesn’t know what the chances are of getting caught. Either that, or there is just something wrong with his mind.

Minors should be sent to rehabilitation for adult crimes rather than being locked up for 20 years, because they need the education to live in and run the next generation. In jail, that’s not what you get. Any minor sent to jail could have been the one to find out how to teleport human beings, or be the one to find a cure to HIV or even AIDS. Every minor has great potential, no matter what types of disorders the minor has. He or she should be treated as a minor, as that person is a minor. Rehabilitation does not only let the child receive education, but it educates them about what to do and what not to in given circumstances. It teaches them the good from the bad and it prevents later crimes all together. Jail only makes the minor more agitated, and makes the minor want to do more crimes when he’s released.

Voting is something that adults do, and that minors past the age of thirteen are very capable of doing. If the law wants to separate minors from adults, then minors should never be tried as adults. If the law wants minors to be able to be tried as adults for big charges, then where is the separation there? Minors need more rights as adults if we’re charged as adults. Minors should be able to vote at the age of thirteen, drive at the age of 14, and get jobs whenever they want. Child labor laws are not necessary anymore, because children are getting more and more knowledge faster than they were 15 years ago. And if a minor doesn’t want a job, he doesn’t get one. Over all, minors need more rights as adults if we’re being tried as them. Or the law should not separate minors from adults at all, so that everyone is happy.

Minor prisoners deserve respect and education because they are the ones who are going to run the next generation, but if we let them down by sending all the wrong minors to jail, we wont have as many people working for our future companies that will do great things for the earth. Not too long from now, global warming will take it’s toll, and we need to be prepared with stuff that we need. Our taxes are going towards jail cells, when they could be spent on free collages and schools that can pay their teachers a bit more, which is what they deserve. Minors are potential, and potential can be shaped to make anything you want. That’s what we’re aiming for: anything. Anything that can make this world a better place.

Post by **Jeff** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 11:31 pm

"collages" should be "colleges"

wormguy · Post by **wormguy** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 11:42 pm

The first problem you have is continuity.

You go from using the colloquial "you" to "us" to third person, sometimes in one sentence.

HIV and AIDS are pretty much the same thing when it comes to medicine...the cure to HIV is the cure to AIDS, is what I mean.

Careful with your use of it's and its. It's is a contraction for "It is". Its is possessive.

Make sure your verb tenses agree. Don't go from present to future to past to conditional all in one thought. Be consistent.

One last note: in a persuasive paper, avoid using "you". It's too informal. Using "we" in terms of the population as a whole is fine, however.

That's about it, I guess. Hope that helped.

NickD · Post by **NickD** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 6:03 pm

Thanks for the comments and corrections

! But, eh... HIV turns into aids so if it turns into aids that's what the medicine would be aiming for

. Damn.... how could I misspell college

.

Nayr · Post by **Nayr** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 6:45 pm

ok. This is a formal paper? I am the GRAMMAR KING!!!

1. DON'T US 'you' or 'us.' You can, however, use general articles, e.g. instead of 'our next generation' use 'the next generation.'
2. aways use present tense for main ideas.
3. always use specific verbs, e.g. instead of 'doing crimes' write 'committing crimes.'
4. Don't ask questions, unless they're rhetorical.
5. write every number under a hundred out-e.g. 20 = twenty.
6. I see a bunch of comma errors, but I won't go into them individually, but read up on them. You'll find many errors. I do, howeverr, have a sample sentence: "This means that if a minor murders one of his classmates, he obviously is not aware of the consequences, and he doesn’t know what the chances are of getting caught." becomes "This means that if a minor murders one of his classmates, he obviously is not aware of the consequences and doesn’t know what the chances are of getting caught," meaning don't split phrases in two. You wouldn't say "he obviously, he doesn't," now would you?

That's all I have for now, and the paper'll still be fairly informal, but I'm assuming you're in middle school or such, so they won't care about that.
7. Don't use contractions in formal essays.

Post by **David** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 7:27 pm

I don't agree with points 4-6 on your list. Well I agree with point 4 in general, but all of the questions in the essay are, in fact, rhetorical.

It is not important to spell out all numbers under a hundred; in some cases numerals are more clear. However, it is important to be consistent when talking about the same thing. For example, in the sentence, "Minors should be able to vote at the age of thirteen, drive at the age of 14, and get jobs whenever they want," there is no clear reason for spelling out 13 but not 14.

The commas are all correct in the sentence, "This means that if a minor murders one of his classmates, he obviously is not aware of the consequences, and he doesn’t know what the chances are of getting caught." They are optional, but they are not errors. On the other hand, I don't find the sentence to be very persuasive; why do we care if the minor knows the consequences of his actions? In the US, ignorance is not a legal excuse for committing a crime, so your argument here does not really make sense.

NickD · Post by **NickD** » Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:16 am

Aw geez.... m' paper's getting PWN3D... Hokay, so... I did a lot of corrections and I kept the same thesis statement, and all my arguments. I took out the optional commas, and I switched paragraphs 3 and 4. I added more research and crap like that and I turned that in. Remember... I'm a freshman lol I'm such a noob. Thanks for all the comments and corrections. If you want I can post the final paper once i get my hands on my z drive in the school's server.

Nayr · Post by **Nayr** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 3:09 pm

I'm going off a tenth-grade english education here.

Link to the Dils Packet (imagine this name with trumpets and voices and stuff.): http://mgrhs.org/fm/bdils/files/2006-07writin.doc