A poem I just wrote

Renegade_Turner · Post by **Renegade_Turner** » Mon Apr 09, 2007 8:04 pm

I just wrote a poem and I'm not sure how to get the best feedback on it. I figured people here would probably be the best.

It's called "Trapped Inside Myself".

Here it is :

Everything that we've seen and felt happened for a reason?
I find myself petrified of challenging you there.
Would I dare? Used to be you would not care,
But our bond has changed, today we live in a new season,
Scraping through each nightmare day, the outcast heathen.

Dared to live as an alien who gripped the seem,
Now it seems trying that chance was but a young fool's hope.
I find myself fighting the invading avalanche and cannot cope.
Nightly as I sleep, I battle that rampaging stream.
Am I but a drunken madman with a drunken dream?

I push wearily down a ragged hall to a damp, decaying room,
Searching in vain for some last morsel of hope.
Knocking comes the avalanche (I cannot cope),
Knocking on my bedroom door, knocking comes the monsoon,
What for does it knock at my bedroom door? Answers, I assume.

I fall silent, sickly still, and hope for it to pass,
Will it go away, thinking I am gone, or knock again if I delay?
Is it the creeping tide come to sweep me out from my decay?
'Twas fear set me here. I go to answer, but alas,
Fear averts my gaze from a knob of faded brass.

'Twas fear that's set me here, now 'tis fear that's kept me here.
And what is this I spy while on my stoney bed I lie?
A notice from her mind, one seemingly of desire,
Should I toss it on the fire? No, not a precious letter so austere!
Were these words a noble truth or a common ruse as it appears?

Set fire to my life, burn it down before I discover
Creeping lies, thin disguise, a vicious charade, your final act
Of this tragic one-shot play, directed to make this fatal impact,
To distract me from the fact you're not my lover,
To pretend there was a loving partner to uncover.

Now I hate myself, when 'tis clear this was not my fault at all,
Sorry, but could I ask you, if it is not much trouble,
To help me up from beneath this shattered rubble?
This was my house. It was once firm, gigantic, unbreakable.
Now this withered El Diablo has crumbled from that last fall.

Suddenly like it's my fault, I'm shrugged to the side,
As if I wanted all this, like it was my plan for us to go this way,
Ignoring, pretending it didn't happen, our tragic one-shot play.
I think it's called life...Struggling for a place to hide,
I searched for meaning and now I'm trapped inside.

Renegade_Turner · Post by **Renegade_Turner** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 11:00 am

Is nobody really going to even look at the thing?

Viking Zippy · Post by **Viking Zippy** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:47 pm

I just had a good look at it, but I'm not much of a poem critic, so I couldn't make much of it

Seems good though

Crill3 · Post by **Crill3** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:50 pm

Wow, isn't that like the first time you use the

smiley?

I read it. But as I've said before, I have no story/poem writing creativity
and I am incapable of giving good critique.
I'm better at drawing my thoughts.

NickD · Post by **NickD** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 7:42 pm

Same here... so just dont get offended when people don't comment on that type of stuff. Not many people commented on my Lugaru Music Mod

...

Zaphon · Post by **Zaphon** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 8:07 pm

Roses are red
Violets are blue
This line doesn't rhyme
Neither does this one

Seriously though, I liked your poem. It's very eloquent and has a nice flow.
Perhaps it’s slightly pretentious, but in a good way.

Renegade_Turner · Post by **Renegade_Turner** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 9:41 pm

Lol. The rhyming scheme was ABBAA CDDCC etc. etc.

Pretentious how do you mean? You mean some of the language was fancy when it needn't have been? I don't see where you took that from.

Thanks for the comments everyone.

And Crill3, how did you actually know that was the first time I used that smiley?

Crill3 · Post by **Crill3** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 2:29 am

Because I know everything.

I dunno, I just saw "Renegade_Turner" and then ":("
and it seemed wrong.

Colicedus · Post by **Colicedus** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 3:19 am

Whoa... That to me seemed pretty dark, and very sad.
I loved it. Is that a Reflection of how you feel?

Renegade_Turner · Post by **Renegade_Turner** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 7:18 pm

Yeah man, it was about my last relationship. She was my best friend and then I kinda just fell in love with her. She wasn't too happy though when I told her lol!

And Crill3, it's funny how you actually know my habits like that, because you were bang on with what you said. The ":(" smiley is very uncharacteristic of me.
I suppose, come to think of it, I do kind of know the personality traits of various people around here by now...

Nayr · Post by **Nayr** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 7:19 pm

As robert frost once said, "a poem without meter is like a tennis match without a net."

That said, there's not much a person can do to critique a poem.

NickD · Post by **NickD** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 7:22 pm

'Sept me... Nobody knows my real personality

. All you know is that I use the

and

smileys alot. But who knows... IRL I could be emo

!

Renegade_Turner · Post by **Renegade_Turner** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 7:44 pm

Nayr wrote:As robert frost once said, "a poem without meter is like a tennis match without a net."

That said, there's not much a person can do to critique a poem.

Well, if Robert Frost said that, that's a funny thing, because many of his poems, like the one about mending the wall (thin it was called "Mending Wall"), had a noticable absence of any recognisable meter. I don't get it.

You can critically analyze poems. It's all about peoples' opinions. It's what we do in poetry in English class. Personal responses to poetry etc. It's all valid as long as you have evidence and reason to back up your points.