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Anyways, if you're interested, heres a short fragment of a chapter i wrote:

Chapter 2.

Peter and Jackson sprinted across the sandy beach in the eerie moonlight, they weren't about to get laughed at because they believed in a stupid curse. Peter was eleven years old, everyone was always laughing at him because he's such a coward, Jackson is ten and is Peter's best friend, he too, is a huge coward, wanting to prove himself. They stepped inside the cave as they were instructed, and walked over to the giant, moss covered bell. With all there strength, they lifted the bell out of the rocks that littered the cave, and carried it slowly out on to the beach.

"This is so dumb..." mumbled Peter.
"I know, i'd like to see the curse stop us." replied Jackson.

As the boys carried the bell across the beach, Peter looked out over the sea, at first he thought it was his eyes, but now he was sure of it, he saw figures slowly climbing out of the water and getting closer. Peter was to scared to say a word, it was like his brain only knew two things, walk, and carry the bell. Then the figures got close enough to see who, or what they were, they were pirates, dead pirates, most of them had frayed or worn clothes, in which it distinguished plenty of ivory white bone. They moved silently, and quickly towards the boys. Out of fear, Peter let go of the bell and ran. Jackson let the bell drop and watch Peter run off, puzzled he called,

"Your chickening out?!" He cried

Peter couldn't answer, he just ran. He turned around as he heard Jackson scream, all Peter could do was stand there and gape in horror as the pirates grabbed him, and dragged him down the beach and into the sea.

What do you think?
Post a rating from 1 to 10!

CarbonBunny wrote:Post a 1/10 Rating!

If you insist…

I give this a 1/10.

JK

CarbonBunny wrote:Peter and Jackson

Lol…

I think I'll still have to give it a 4/10 though I'm not sure why, good addition of descriptive words though, there are still grammatical errors I'd like to see changed and that you may get flamed for. I'm hoping most of the criticism directed towards your story is constructive.

I see the patern that wrighters go into when trying to get a story down.
What dose Peter and Jackson look like? Where are they from? Who are they?
They sound like some undescript crybaby kids. possobly bullys with something there trying to prove? or are they two squeemish little boys?

The Fact you said WHAT the horrors they faced were, rather than paint us a picture of words of why we should be terrorfyed. There dead pirates that got up out of the sea...
You could take a moment to talk about how one has a pussy hole where his eye was. or maybe even talk about how one of the Pirate Zombis Drools a long snail trail from a clefpelit.

You could also go into more deepth on what the beach looks like. the Smell of the Low tide,the Mysty red sky, like a shepards warning.

You coul also go into the gut feelings a bit more. Basicly, it needs more feeling. Come on, think like a Pedo, FEEL!

Chainsaw man wrote:I see the patern that wrighters go into when trying to get a story down.
What dose Peter and Jackson look like? Where are they from? Who are they?
They sound like some undescript crybaby kids. possobly bullys with something there trying to prove? or are they two squeemish little boys?

The Fact you said WHAT the horrors they faced were, rather than paint us a picture of words of why we should be terrorfyed. There dead pirates that got up out of the sea...
You could take a moment to talk about how one has a pussy hole where his eye was. or maybe even talk about how one of the Pirate Zombis Drools a long snail trail from a clefpelit.

You could also go into more deepth on what the beach looks like. the Smell of the Low tide,the Mysty red sky, like a shepards warning.

You coul also go into the gut feelings a bit more. Basicly, it needs more feeling. Come on, think like a Pedo, FEEL!

I bet you got the Mysty red sky shit from somewhere else, besides i'm a lot younger then you think.

Ok... Well, if you want my opinion there it is:
It needs allot of work. Who knows though, maybe you'll be the Next H.P. Lovecraft in later years.
The Red sky thing I made up on the spot, but Im sure some fairly creative wrighter has over used it, but you get my point?

he hasn't read h.p. lovecraft unfortunately I did suggest it too him though.

Oh my god... and he wants to get into horror wrighting?
Cripes. Id lone you my copy, but Its with a mate I aint sceen in years. Im now trying to find another copy.

Nice avatar. Still hearing the level up sound everywhere after playing that game for like, a week straight.

Anyway- It's not really very scary. Which is bad for horror. Describe the way the dead pirates move, describe how they look while using words like twisted or horrifying, or the kind of thing you expect in the horror section of a dictionary. If a dictionary had sections... One thing about writing overall is something I call the smart/stupid balance. Describe the pirates without actually giving away what they are so the smart people can feel smarter by working out what it is, and if the description is good, most people should be feeling pretty smart. The stupid part of the balance is making sure to mention what they are later, so that the stupid people aren't left wondering. (Hence, smart/stupid balance)

I don't like doing a /10 thing, how long did it take you to get to this version? Did you do any drafts, or just write this one first go and stick with it?

It's great that you're writing! I can't seem to stick to much myself, but you might want to try to cut down on the linking verbs. Especially when describing those pirates. Those can make your writing bland and uninteresting.



Ex:
The man had a deep scare over his right eye.

Instead of using a linking verb, had, try using an action verb instead.

A deep scar covered the man's right eye.

See how much more dynamic and interesting it sounds?

Nice...