Post
by Renegade_Turner » Mon May 04, 2009 4:01 pm
This is a story me and my friend Jay wrote in after-school study back when we were in school. I know it's not keeping with the rules because it was written already but it was pretty retarded so I said I'd put it in with the other retarded stories.
WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE, NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS (UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE)
"Josef Stalin : Social Policy On Hookers And Cake"
Josef Stalin was a fat, hairy bitch. He had always been known for his sneaky ways in which he tricked young cake entrepreneurs into selling him their most prized cakes at low prices, or by signing a legal contract. This was further displayed in the Lemon Meringue Incident of 1938 in which Josef Stalin forced Willie Stroke to sign a credit note to the value of 9000 merangue pies. Yagoda, the head of the NKVD, Stalin's secret police, was quoted as saying,
"The lemon meringue pies were of a smooth and creamy nature. I don't know how Stalin does things like this, but the cake is now in our posession and we are carrying out an investigation to determine the quantity of the aforementioned cake as we speak."
Shortly afterwards, Yagoda was found in the NKVD storage room gorging on the pies, and when Stalin was told, he was furious. Yagoda was executed later that week. In his place, Stalin assigned Patkov McCrotchiev. McCrotchiev was a firm supporter of Cakism and that aroused Stalin.
During McCrotchiev's Reign Of Cake he imported some of the most prestigious cakes in all the land. Such was the infamous Black Forest Gateaux, which later led to his expulsion from The Three Musketeers. The impact of egg mayonaise on the Soviet Union was huge. Arsetiev McWilly is quoted as saying,
"This is a land free of sour sugar. We in Stalin's firm bosom have enjoyed years of savoury desserts and golden hookers."
McWilly was a known abuser of heroin and cocaine. The source of this attributed quote has been heavily debated over the past years, and its reliability is undetermined.
Stalin's biggest achievement was the Rule By Decree Act of 1940, which allowed him to sign over 10,000 decrees in his time, the first of which was the Decree Of Cake, stating that he, Stalin, would be given sole ownership of all the cake in the Soviet Union from that point forward and with the additional clause that all children be employed in puppy making factories. The reason for the additional clause in the decree is unknown.
Stalin began a campaign of Collectivisation which forced all the bakers in the rural area to allow their produce to be taken. It was claimed that the cake was for the mine workers, but many believed Stalin was stashing the cake in his mammy's attic. Stalin was quoted as saying,
"There's not enough. We need more cake. If any of you are hiding cake from me, I swear I'll kill you. I'LL KILL YOU ALL. What're you looking at, monkeyman? I fucked yo' momma bitch. Come on, let's go you fat mothafu-...(report finishes for unknown reasons)"
