story I am working on

Aevis · Post by **Aevis** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:20 pm

Mave stood with his father on the balcony, watching the peaceful land and all of its beauty. The land of Borias had just won a terrible war against the evil Lord Xander. Only seven years ago, on the exact day of Maves birth, was the massive behemoth of a man was slain on the siegge of the castle.

If any of you are interested, i will gladly continue

Aevis · Post by **Aevis** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:32 pm

The battle was over in Borias, but in the far east, where the monks of the black sabbath live, the trouble was only starting. These monks had heard of Xander's inhuman powers and sought to ressurect him.
In Borias, another seven years later, Mave witnessed it happen. an enormus column of black and red fire erupted out of the ground and circled the castle in a wall. From the flames, a hideaous creature that resembled a man flew out of the fire. The image was bored into maves mind for the rest of his life. The creature was 8 feet tall, covered in dark red scales, and had bulging muscles. The face resembled a dragons and had two long fangs, bigger then the rest gaping from its jaws. It was clad in lose, black clothes, a black cloak, and carried a grotesque and giant flaming scythe. The creature roared at the sight of Mave and spread its red dragon-like wings. Xander was alive...

Albab · Post by **Albab** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:39 pm

Eh, not bad... Kinda generic, though.

Aevis · Post by **Aevis** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:44 pm

Ok now, if anybody wants to hear the rest of it I will proudly post more

Albab · Post by **Albab** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 12:00 am

Eh, I wouldn't mind. And just a tip, it's better to post something and let it sit overnight; this forum is not the fastest around.

Lugaruman100 · Post by **Lugaruman100** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 4:42 pm

I think it's cool.

Post by **Jeff** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 5:12 pm

Keep going. Would you like feedback?

Albab · Post by **Albab** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 8:06 pm

Use stronger words; like "beginning" instead of "starting". It seems to add to the period-thing (aren't I eloquent?)

Aevis · Post by **Aevis** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 9:45 pm

The creature raised his scythe, ready to strike. Maves father dove between the scythe and Mave. The blow slicing him in two while the dull edge hit Mave ablove the eyes and knocking him out.
Mave awoke on the balcony some time later. The beast had apparently thought him dead. Mave wished he was dead though, seeing the remains of his half-eaten father. An immense rage engulfed Mave as he stood. Taking his fathers sword, he ran into the castle. He sped through the corridors and hallways, looking for his fathers killer. He ran around the corner to find the beast standing over the king with the crown on his head. The creature saw Mave while laughing and did a strange hand movement. Mave was then engulfed in red-black fire. Now burning in pain and in hatred, Mave lept from the flames, ran towards the beast and threw his sword into the creatures chest. The beast bellowed in pain. Mave's vision then went black and he knew no more.

Crill3 · Post by **Crill3** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 3:21 am

Not bad.
Yeah, keep going.

MrDavid37 · Post by **MrDavid37** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 7:27 am

That last bit where he stabbed the creaturey thingy was really good. I like this story, its got good potential.

Aevis · Post by **Aevis** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 10:42 pm

He awoke to the sound of moaning. He saw that he was in the dungeon. Surprised that he hadn;t been put to death, he treied to stand, only to realize an enormus pain in the back of his head and pretty much all over his body.A voice on the other side of his cells bars called out down the hall that he had awoken. In a matter of seconds, three strange people in black robes approached. Two of them appeared to be human , but the other one was very strange. His skin was really burnt and reddish and he seemed to have two small horns on the top of his head. His feet looked like giant bird talons only with much bigger claws. He motioned for the guards to step away from Maves cell as he entered it himself.
"So, you are the one people call Mave." said the thing "I was surprised you are so young after all of the stories I have heard about you, but the way you threw that sword into my chest was remarkable."
"W-wait" stammered Mave."You're the thing I killed?"
"Killed?, You cannot kill an undead Dracolanth like me." said the creature.
"I am Xander once and future dark king of Borias." " Except now I am immortal and invunnerable. "That sword you threw did pierce me, but it dissolved in instants and I healed perfectly." said Xander. "You shall be left in this cage for the rest of your life unless you wish to serve me..."
"I will never serve you evil beings!" exclaimed Mave with great ferocity in his voice. "Fine then, leave him to die" said Xander as him and his guards left the room in a burst of flame.

Aevis · Post by **Aevis** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 4:28 pm

Mave sat in the cell with no food or water for four days.
One day, he awoke to a rucces outside of his cell. The guards were chasing a young lad down the hall. Mave rushed to the bars to get a better view. The person looked to be at least two years older than Mave and seemed to be giving the guards a rather hard time. The teen ran up the sides of walls and flipped over the guards heads occasionally. Xander than appeared in the middle of the hallway and caught the youth by his throaght. "So, trying to steal from the Kings vault, aye?" "Well that earns you fifty years of imprisionment in my dungeons naive!" yelled Xander.
Xander then threw this boy into Maves cell. Xander then left and the guards, mumbleing. went back to thier posts.

Albab · Post by **Albab** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:19 pm

Technically, it's atrocious. Story-wise, it's developing nicely.

hdlsa · Post by **hdlsa** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 3:13 pm

I think you should change the names of the characters. Mave and Xander just sound stupid and are very generic.