Overgrowth Fanfiction

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Quack
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Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by Quack » Sat Apr 09, 2011 11:23 am

This is a fanfic story written by me, which doesn't in any way relate to the actual story of Overgrowth. It follows the tales of a young Dog warrior, Blitz, in his quest to seek fame and honor amongst the Dog clans.



Blitz sat there, above the waterfall, looking down to the great forest of Tashmir. Blitz was a tall dog, and a strong one at that, with brown hair and a yellow streak of fur on from his head to his tail. He looked back to his companion, Char, a small dog with a reddish skin and a passion for fire.

'"Shall we move?'', Blitz asked. ''Nah, give me some more time, I need to pack my things.'' Char took his backpack which was lying next to his sleeping place, looking inside it. ''I've got food enough for 3 more days. You?'', he asked. Blitz hopped to his backpack, checking what's inside it. He had his small knife, the amulet his mother gave him, and 2 kilograms of meat. ''I've got enough for a day or two. Let's move.'' Blitz put on his backpack and took his sword while Char grabbed his backpack and daggers. Blitz then leaped down the waterfall, landing into the water and swimming out quickly. Char did the same. They walked towards the town they're headed to, Leafpot, towards the Rabbit wiseman. Blitz needed to know from the wiseman where he can find the Darkrock clan and prove himself. He was abandoned when he was a pup, and raised by a pack of wild dogs which haven't been part of any clan. His mother told him that he was found laying in the middle of the forest, just a small pup, struggling to survive. They adopted him and took him in as their own. A few days ago, he left the pack to seek out his destiny and try to find the Darkrock clan, for his Mother had told him he had their bearings on him when he was a pup. He knows nothing of his childhood,
and he plans to change that. His friend, Char, agreed on helping him on his journey.

They were getting closer to the Rabbit village. Blitz was getting nervous, and he could tell Char was as well. The key to his future lies in this very village and his actions in the next few minutes are going to decide whether he'll obtain it or not. They approached the gate to Leafpot, and called out to the guards. A Rabbit climbed up the walls, and looked at the two dogs. ''Yeh, what'd you want?'', he asked. ''My name is Blitz, and this is my friend, Char. We seek refuge in the town of Leafpot. Are we allowed to enter?'', Blitz asked. The Rabbit guardsman consulted the other Guardsman down the stairs, and then yelled:''Yeh, you can enter. Ace, open the gate!'' The large wooden gates slowly opened before Blitz and Char, and they walked into the Rabbit town.

The town wasn't large, and was full of uncut trees inside it. The Rabbits used some of these trees as living places, building houses amongst the leaves and branches of the forest. Blitz asked one of the locals where the wiseman's house is, and the local pointed to a house up on a very high tree. Smoke was coming out of it. Blitz and Char approached the ladder which lead to the house, and they climbed up to it. They knocked on the old wooden door, and it opened itself without anyone behind it. Inside the house, the Wiseman, next to a pot full of unknown ingredients, stirred what looks like a soup with his stick. ''I have been waiting for you, Blitz..'' he said, without Blitz introducing himself. '"Come, sit here.''

I'll continue it later. Feel free to criticize. Oh, and this is basically just the intro to the story. The combat and the real unfolding of the journey starts later.

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zamzx zik
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by zamzx zik » Sat Apr 09, 2011 12:33 pm

...And so it begins.
Last edited by zamzx zik on Sun May 15, 2011 2:22 am, edited 2 times in total.

Quack
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by Quack » Sun Apr 10, 2011 6:28 am

Blitz sat next to the wiseman, grabbing a nearby chair. Char remained standing, observing the pot.
''So, young one, what brings you here? I dreamed of a brown dog whose aura is strong- and I dreamed of his small but ferocious companion. You are here, as expected.'', the wiseman said. Char smiled.
Blitz then spoke:''We have come here, great wiseman, for you to tell us where must we head in order to find the Darkrock clan. Rumors say that the mysterious Darkrocks live on Blackspire Mountain, and that whoever has gone looking for them has dissapeared on that very mountain. Is it true, wiseman, that they are there?'' The wiseman then stood up, removing his stick from the pot, and using it as an item to help him stand. ''Prophecy tells of an abandoned pup- an abandoned pup rescued by a wild pack, and of his most loyal friend, whom are to embark on a ferocious journey to uncover their fate. You, dog, you are the one who is to lead him and his friend on this journey. Head to Thaggan village, and seek out Thomas, he's a friend of mine and a blacksmith. Heed my call, take equipment from him, and be off on your travels to Blackspire.'' The wiseman then sat again, continuing to cook what looked like his dinner.

I'll have to the whole story in a bunch of smaller posts. Sorry.

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Silverfish
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by Silverfish » Sun Apr 10, 2011 9:24 am

That's fine, it's a quite good read!

IrishWristwatch
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by IrishWristwatch » Sun Apr 17, 2011 9:34 pm

Alright, something literary. So i guess ill criticize this then.
Quack wrote:This is a fanfic story written by me, which doesn't in any way relate to the actual story of Overgrowth. It follows the tales of a young Dog warrior, Blitz, in his quest to seek fame and honor amongst the Dog clans.



Blitz sat there, Theres no need to add a comma hereabove the waterfall, looking down to the great forest of Tashmir. Blitz was a tall dog, and a strong one at that, with brown hair and a yellow streak of fur on from his head to his tail. He looked back to his companion, Char, a small dog with a reddish skin and a passion for fire.This is blatant telling and description. It is especially at fault for being the first paragraph of the story. Never, ever start a story off with telling and description. The first thing you need to do is set up or at least hint at the plot or characters. And in all honesty I find it better to never actually describe characters appearences ever only to do it when it relates to the plot. The statement about the whole "passion for fire" is particularly appalling.

'"Shall we move?'', Blitz asked. ''Nah, give me some more time, I need to pack my things.'' Char took his backpack which was lying next to his sleeping place, looking inside it.This is something different, its always good to include paragraphs in dialogue between different characters. Other wise it just gets confusing. ''I've got food enough for 3 more days. You?'', he asked. Blitz hopped Hopped?to his backpack, checking what's inside it. He had his small knife, the amulet his mother gave him, and 2 kilograms of meat. Whats with the exact number?''I've got enough for a day or two. Let's move.'' Blitz put on his backpack and took his sword while Char grabbed his backpack and daggers. Blitz then leaped down the waterfall, landing into the water and swimming out quickly.Your writing is very blatant and without emotion. You have so far given me no reason to care for the characters but you also seem to not want to add emotion to actions as well. Did he just jump? Did he hurt himself a bit? Was he used to such actions? All these things could go to adding characterization. You need to learn how to do it. Char did the same. They walked towards the town they're headed to, Leafpot, towards the Rabbit wiseman.Okay, you also need to learn to not describe plot points in such a sequenced format, like its a powerpoint. You seem to lack a whole bunch of description. So much that could add to the sense of setting, characterization, plot, almost everything you need for a story. So far what weve had is bullet points. "They did this, then they did this, then they did this." Describing actions will make readers care. Blitz needed to know from the wiseman where he can find the Darkrock clan and prove himself. He was abandoned when he was a pup, and raised by a pack of wild dogs which haven't been part of any clan. His mother told him that he was found laying in the middle of the forest, just a small pup, struggling to survive. They adopted him and took him in as their own. A few days ago, he left the pack to seek out his destiny and try to find the Darkrock clan, for his Mother had told him he had their bearings on him when he was a pup. He knows nothing of his childhood, Never, ever, ever, ever give such boring and unneeded backstory. Ever. I almost stopped reading at this point because its just such a big no no. Let the characters actions speak of his character.
and he plans to change that. His friend, Char, agreed on helping him on his journey.So why should we care about these characters?

They were getting closer to the Rabbit village. Blitz was getting nervous, and he could tell Char was as well. The key to his future lies in this very village and his actions in the next few minutes are going to decide whether he'll obtain it or not. They approached the gate to Leafpot, and called out to the guards. A Rabbit climbed up the walls, and looked at the two dogs. ''Yeh, what'd you want?'', he asked. ''My name is Blitz, and this is my friend, Char. We seek refuge in the town of Leafpot. Are we allowed to enter?'', Blitz asked. Again with paragraphs and dialogue.The Rabbit guardsman consulted the other Guardsman down the stairs, and then yelled:''Yeh, you can enter. Ace, open the gate!'' The large wooden gates slowly opened before Blitz and Char, and they walked into the Rabbit town.

The town wasn't large, and was full of uncut trees inside it. What? That is very awkwardly put.The Rabbits used some of these trees as living places, building houses amongst the leaves and branches of the forest. Blitz asked one of the locals where the wiseman's house is, and the local pointed to a house up on a very high tree. Smoke was coming out of it. Blitz and Char approached the ladder which lead to the house, and they climbed up to it. They knocked on the old wooden door, and it opened itself without anyone behind it. Inside the house, the Wiseman, next to a pot full of unknown ingredients, stirred what looks like a soup with his stick. ''I have been waiting for you, Blitz..'' he said, without Blitz introducing himself. '"Come, sit here.''

I'll continue it later. Feel free to criticize. Oh, and this is basically just the intro to the story. The combat and the real unfolding of the journey starts later.
Alright, it has been my experience to never guess upon a persons skill in anything. But this is very amateurish, and i have to say that i believe this is one of the first few things you have actually written. At this stage in your writing you need to allow as much criticism as you can get. You also need to understand the basics of storytelling first as well. Read as much as you can too, for they must be doing something right if they can get their stuff published. You must not be afraid to make mistakes, but you must constantly be ready to correct them.

Think about how you experience things in your daily life, you only think about things sequentially much later in the day, but when you are in the middle of experiencing something you have to notice how all your 5 senses interact with environment, because the environment is what shapes us. We are no more then water which conforms to the shape of the container. And then you have understand how does those observations make you feel, does it remind of something? Something good? Bad? What? Do you like the smell of flowers in the morning, or could you care less, or have constant monotony made you apathetic, has it made you depressed, does the smell of the flower remind you of how you used to be? This is what makes people, what gives them their character, what defines us.

Then it becomes a matter of actual story structure, and how do you selectively take certain observations to weave a story.

I don't like seeing other people start something like writing either and give it up. If you like writing about other peoples universes then start off with that, but once in that time try writing about your own, because then it becomes personal, and putting a little bit of you into writing is a surefire way to get to really love writing.

And if in this whole instance you were not just starting out, then im sorry for wasting your time. Even if I come across something like this again I can just copy and paste :D
Last edited by IrishWristwatch on Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Cadrega
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by Cadrega » Mon Apr 18, 2011 5:31 am

I've approved the above post because Quack asked for criticism and Irish did a thorough analysis on various section of the fanfic while adding some helpful tips and possible changes to the story to improve it, but if you don't mind me saying, bold and bright red text are a bit painful to read (I'd have chosen a rather than your ) and you might want to introduce yourself in the obligatory introduction thread. :wink:

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Conner36
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by Conner36 » Mon Apr 18, 2011 9:47 am

I second
(I'd have chosen a rather than your )

It was hard to read the stuff in the red. Use words not colors.

And Quack, I hope you continue to work out the story. You seem excited.
Getting a story just right is a lot of work. Don't give up!

IrishWristwatch
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by IrishWristwatch » Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:45 pm

Conner_36 wrote:I second
(I'd have chosen a rather than your )

It was hard to read the stuff in the red. Use words not colors.

And Quack, I hope you continue to work out the story. You seem excited.
Getting a story just right is a lot of work. Don't give up!


Alright i changed it.

"Use words not colors." But i did use words :?

Cadrega
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by Cadrega » Tue Apr 19, 2011 4:11 am

Much, much better. Thank you.
With the current color you still have the same effect on the reader, while not hurting his eyes. :lol:

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Count Roland
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Re: Overgrowth Fanfiction

Post by Count Roland » Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:30 pm

There were a few spots where the tense was changed from past to present for no reason also, but hey any thing to read is a good thing to read as far as I'm concerned.

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