An attempt at Lugaru fanfiction.

The place to discuss all things Lugaru.

Is it any good? Do any of you want to see more of Angreifer? Or perhaps a prequel, explaining how he ended up in this situation?

Good. More!
7
78%
Sucks.
1
11%
Prequel! Prequel!
1
11%
 
Total votes: 9

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Miyamoto Usagi
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An attempt at Lugaru fanfiction.

Post by Miyamoto Usagi » Sun Feb 25, 2007 11:55 pm

Swish, zip, hop. Through the trees they dashed like mad, jumping from tree to tree. Angreifer was the one they were after.

The ranks of the group were swollen, eight in number. Dietrich, Kasch, Ava, Schwartz, Bach, Lutz, Goetz, and Schroedinger. No one color seemed to predominate among them. Dietrich, Kasch, and Ava were pure black, with Schwartz being black but with a large white spot near the left side of his stomach. Bach and Lutz were dark brown, though Goetz was blonde. Schroedinger had the brightest fur of all, a bright, nearly carrot-like shade of orange. All wore only simple black breeches, the better to not be restricted in their movements. Some were armed with swords, others with simple daggers. Schroedinger, the leader of the group, and the largest among them, carried a heavy tetsubo, but this somehow didn't slow him down.

Far ahead of them, though, that angelic betrayer was hopping through the forest, from tree to tree. Unarmed, white-furred, silver-eyed... And he wore a spotless, pure-white Gi, with a band around his head that bore upon it two words: "Divine Wind."

Angreifer was far ahead of them so far... But only as far as he needed to be. He'd already given up everything. Everything he thought he'd believed in, everything he'd cared about... Bertolf had already promised to care for his family. He knew that might mean his wife would make room for another man... But that didn't matter. He was going to die anyway. It had been written already.

Not here. But he would die.

Finally he hopped his way up to the top of the tallest tree, and watched the others as they approached.

Schroedinger was behind the others... He was slowly running down the tree. Angrei knew what that meant.

That enormous club, that Tetsubo...

Suddenly the tree shook. Heavily. Once. Twice. Three times... Angrei kept his balance, but barely. Time to get off this thing!

Just as he jumped, Ava met him in mid-air, swiping her blade downward. Angrei barely had time to respond, but respond he did with his usual lightning speed, grasping her paws and moving them in a circular motion, stealing that blade from her and then twirling around. A heavy kick to her back was given, slamming her into that tree. A second mid-air twirl saw that sword out of his hands. Right through her chest, pinning what would soon be her corpse to the tree.

Two daggers flung at him at the very second, from opposite sides. Still in the air, Angrei's hands went this way and that, catching one but missing the other. Only a split-second left to respond, but he caught the second one anyway - in his teeth. Taking it from his muzzle, he allowed himself to drop to the ground below, rushing at the giant Schroedinger in his leather breastplate and wielding that giant of a weapon.

It was swung downward, very quickly for such a weapon. He handsprung backwards just in time to escape a crushing blow... And then he hopped back, jumping onto the head of that weapon and darting up its shaft, both paws slamming forward. Two daggers were left in the now-very-dead Schroedinger's neck.

Lutz and Goetz attacked him, now unarmed, from both sides even as he landed from hopping off of Schroedinger's head. One went in for a backspin kick, the other for a leg-sweep. Little margin for error - He grabbed ahold of Goetz' leg, low as it was, and swung him around at Lutz, knocking Lutz unconscious and crushing Goetz' head against Lutz' ribs.

That left four.

Kasch and Bach approached, dashing forward and swinging their swords at his neck. Angrei ducked... The follow-through of the two swings ended up with Kasch and Bach beheading eachother.

Schwartz and Dietrich, having seen the whole fight, turned and dashed away.

Let them run... Thought Angreifer, to himself. His white fur and clothes were now stained red with blood. Soon his own would be there as well.

But this wasn't where Angrei was meant to die. His death would be far more meaningful.

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Post by Miyamoto Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 4:21 am

Isn't anyone gonna make any actual posts in response to this? >>; I'd like to hear some detailed opinions. oo;

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Post by Crill3 » Mon Feb 26, 2007 4:38 am

It's good, but I suck at giving so-called constructive criticism,
so I'll leave it to the other.

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Post by Miyamoto Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 4:53 am

One's ability to give constructive criticism is usually limited by the receiver's ability to accept constructive criticism. Unfortunately, this means that most of us suck at giving constructive criticism. So... Yuh, I understand thine plight.

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Post by Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:36 am

I'm not sure I agree; I love to criticize, but I hate to get it.

Anyway, I think it's very good. Nice use of imagery, and the battle description is very active and keeps your interest.

I also like the use of German names, rather than something from a fantasy name generator or something. I especially like the use of names that actually mean something, like Schwartz for a black one, or "Aggressor" for the protagonist (although this may not be intentional; German is not my native or best language).

I like the touch of the tetsubo; where'd you come up with that? And the kamikaze headband, too. Does it say Image?

I don't think you should have a prequel; it's actually more interesting to start off in the middle and leave something of the past only guessed at. It can be revealed through the course of the rest of the story, or not at all.

Some of my favorite authors write most of their books this way: Gene Wolfe, Dan Simmons, etc. I once heard Kurt Vonnegut speak on creative writing, and his advice was to start writing, and after to you get to 100 pages, throw it away and start from there.

In this case, we don't even know what race the characters are; they sound like squirrels to me.

On the negative side, I might question your use of ellipses and commas. "Swish, zip, hop." might sound better as "Swish! Zip! Hop!"

And swish is a noise, while hop is a an active verb, and zip kinda falls in between.

And the ellipsis might be better as a dash. Ellipses should be used more where things are left out, or where something trails off.

Also, watch capitalization. Testsubo is capitalized in one spot, but not another. Do you speak German? Their capitalization conventions differ from English, also.

And dialogue, even internal, should be set off with parentheses, followed by a comma (before the closing parenthesis) and lower case thought.

Passive voice is out of place in an action scene: "A kick was given to her back," should be something like "His kick caught her squarely in the back."

Anyway, great start: keep it up.

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Post by Miyamoto Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:47 am

Actually, yeah, the headband does say Kamikaze. Unfortunately I can't read Kanji or Katakana at all, but I do know some Romaji words. And I don't speak German either, unfortunately, but I know some words (not enough to converse), and I have several translators on-hand, as well as a website with names in every language.

And yes, the use of Aggressor as the main character's name-translation was intentional.

As for the Tetsubo, I got it from the wierdest place. I've seen so many Anime cartoons where someone slammed a huge weapon into the ground and then their intended target ran UP the weapon's length to hit them. That, combined with a post of yours, Usagi, suggesting Tetsubo's, gave me the idea for the use of a Tetsubo.

The ellipsis thing I have no defense for. x3 It's kinda sad, but some things escape me or just never seem to pass through my mind.

And as for passive/active voices, I've yet to master them. Sometimes I enter a passive-voice sentence thinking it sounds active. I'll catch on.

D'ya wanna see more of Angreifer's exploits? I'm probably going to add a secondary protagonist, since I've made it pretty clear Angrei won't live to see the end of the story...

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Post by Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:50 am

Yes, please.

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Post by Miyamoto Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:56 am

Alright. My 'fans' will definitely see more work out of me. It may take a while, but it was a pleasure developing Angreifer, and it will be even more of one to continue his tale.

Maybe if I'm lucky David or Jeff will see this story and like it enough to include Angrei as a character in Lugaru 2.

... Chya right.

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Post by David » Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:42 am

Cool character :) My only criticism is that the passive voice seems out of place in an action scene. E.g. "It was swung downward" could just be "It swung downward" or "He swung it downward". Also, "A heavy kick to her back was given" could be "He kicked her heavily in the back" or even just "A heavy kick to her back".

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Post by Miyamoto Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:44 am

Lol. We've already discussed the out-of-placeness of passive voice, courtesy of Usagi. I'll work on that next time Angrei gets a workout.

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Post by David » Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:50 am

Sorry, missed that.

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Post by Miyamoto Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:54 am

Yuh, it's no biggy. Anywho, since I was dumb enough to make the comment, and not one post later you show up, I have to ask: Does he stand a chance of showing up in Lu2?

No worries. I won't demand any 'rights' to him. I'd frankly just be honored (and shocked and surprised) if it happened.

But my main weakness is curiosity, so the question just begs to be asked.

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Post by David » Mon Feb 26, 2007 11:02 am

You will have to wait until L2 is done and find out :)

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Post by Miyamoto Usagi » Mon Feb 26, 2007 11:06 am

*Snicker.* From several things I've heard all over the forum, I should've figured your answer would be cryptic. Well-played, sir.

And it'll be TOTALLY worth the price, even if he doesn't show up.

This awesome story would not have been possible if it weren't for your awesome game (even the demo of which has me addicted - Lugacrack, it should be called).

So yeah. >>; ... ... I'll stop before it looks like I'm kissin' ass.

Edit: Oh, and for clarification purposes, all the characters in this story were rabbits. This comment was mostly for Usagi, since he mentioned they sounded like squirrels. x3

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Post by Crill3 » Mon Feb 26, 2007 11:09 am

Sugaru?

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